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Yes yes yes. I'm very happy right now. I'm still feeling a little bit of the Geodon withdrawal, however, users who had gone off of it before had one word to describe the withdrawal: nightmare. But, I have my new medication that stepped right in and is making things wonderful. It keeps my focus and does what the Geodon did except now I get tired at night, I sleep regularly, I can relax, I don't feel that inner restlessness...this seems to be the right drug for me. I just hope I have insurance as long as I'm on it. $800 a month without insurance, it would be.


Turns out a withdrawal symptom of Geodon is vomiting, too. I might be in for it. :-/


This is the end of an era. The Geodon era in my life. I don't have to sleep 12 hours a night anymore. I don't have to eat my weight in cheese every night right before going to bed. And I don't have to feel just, absolutely, awful all the time.
I want to document how my new medication, Abilify, affects me step by step. It's been an hour and I definitely feel...different. I may have two hours of that feeling becoming stronger, as this medication takes at least about three hours to fully break through the blood-brain barrier. Weakness is one of the side effects, and I definitely feel as if my chest is slightly heavier....not in a bad way, though. It's like I feel at ease but it's slightly harder to breathe at the same time. It's nice. And I sort of feel like crying, not from sadness, but as though I've been through a catharsis. I'm listening to American Idol's Adam Lambert, in the studio, singing the Gary Jules/Michael Andrews version of Mad World, and his voice sounds extremely pure. I'm not sure if that's because he's really good or not, because he's good. Really good. Guy's gonna win. lol Whatever, it's just Idol. I'm above it. Almost.
I'll keep writing until I go to bed tonight but tomorrow we'll see how I do, tomorrow I won't have taken any Geodon, and I'm sure the withdrawal will be strong.


Hour and a half, and my body is letting go of its water weight (I'm peeing a lot). I'm starting to think this is too high of a dose to start out with, I'm getting very sleepy, but honestly, that's not too bad. It's a good sleepy. Maybe it's not too high of a dose...


Two hours. No anxiety. I haven't been tired, as, a real tired, in over a year. I forgot what it felt like. I'm staying up right now just to feel it.... Wow....just, wow...


Six hours. Definitely need to reduce the dose. I layed down and got the spins, I had to run to the bathroom a few times as I thought I might be sick. All my muscles were shaking. It's evened out since then nicely, which is great news, it only knocks me out for six hours, not TWELVE. There is a problem though, my psychosis is raging, from lack of Geodon, so I can't sleep. I've been trying for the past three hours, simply tossing and turning. We'll see tomorrow how things go.


edit: Seven and a half hours: Still can't sleep. "Side effects may include vomiting." Should have paid attention to that one and had more than just a paper bag by me at my bed. I cleaned up the best I could. I took an extra .25 of Klonopin to ease the psychosis, and it's working very well, Klonopin is going to play a key role in getting me through withdrawal. Yeah, need to reduce the dose of the medication...
I wanna be skinny because then I'm more like my brother.

Always something to feel good about...

I just got a promotion at work! I'm working maintenance now! It's full time so I get vision, dental, health and life insurance. And $12 an hour to boot! And now I won't be so bored. I'm very happy about this. :-D

Alright, this is okay

Well everyone, thanks for your love and concern for me...sorry I hadn't replied to all your comments but I wanna hug each and every one of you who was there to knock some sense into me. Times are getting better though, and life always has its way of setting things straight, if you put enough work into it.

Love you all!



I'm in a bad way. I'm watching a Christian pastor on TV and all she's doing is reading random passages from the Bible and emphasizing certain words really strongly, and then making up some stuff about those words...then going back to the Bible. Rinse, repeat.

I'm checking out my bottle of sleeping pills, thinking about taking 5 or 6, but no, I'm too much a coward. I think I have too much hope for that route.

What do I do, though? My stomach is on fire. I can't stand this feeling.

More tomorrow, I guess.


Thanks for the concern guys. I have a few ideas that will help, I think:

1. Meditate imaginitively. I used to do this a lot when I was little and I found it made a lot of interesting places I could go to in my mind. Right now I have a field with a tree, where Terra lives. Just now, because of the old music I'm listening to, I saw big monsters fly by. I'd like to think that they're dragons, like from the I Ching. Each one stands for a part of humility. That's sweet.

2. See friends. I miss my old friends and a lot of them are in town still. I want to reconnect with them and laugh a lot, for a change.

3. Make new friends. Maybe I'll ask coach if I could go teach fencing down at U of M twice a week. That'd be sweet. I might do that right quick.

Let's try these out and if they don't work, well, we'll find three more ideas.


Me, a while ago.

I was happy at sixteen years. I was so enlightened. I was a true Buddhist and a Taoist, I was modest, I didn't talk much but when I did, people liked what I had to say. Now I'm completely washed up, mostly because I don't have anything to say. I just bitch and moan. Maybe this sounds really emo, or....whatever you have to call it....but I miss myself. I really, really, really miss myself.

I miss walking down my high school halls and thinking how beautiful of a day it is in and out of the halls of the school. I used to marvel at how awesome the people around me were. I had so many friends...so many people that cared about me. Now I've forsaken my friends and I feel so, so lonely.

I'm a sad panda. Every day now. I'm back to where I was after I had my big crash. This time, though, I have more medications. Five now, to be exact:
Depakote: Mood stabilizer, and it knocks me out.
Klonopin: Originally prescribed for anxiety, then was told to take it at night to knock me out, now I'm addicted to it and I can't go off of it.
Geodon: Originally prescribed to knock me out and get rid of my mania.
Lunesta: Relieves my anxiety and knocks me out (it is a sleeping pill after all). However, I've grown a dependency for it and it doesn't do anything but cost me $5 every month and who knows what kind of chemical doings in my brain.
Cymbalta: I'm on a dose and a half every day, and I feel really sad. I was feeling quite good on it, but now I just feel terrible...like it's not sinking in or something...I feel almost as if I'm withdrawaling from it, but I'm taking more than ever.

5 medications and I'm still having trouble sleeping at night and being sane/not depressed throughout the day.

Last week I lost my will to live. I only really stay alive for the people around me, but if it weren't for them, I wouldn't mind just slinking away and being forgotten.

Or being heard. Having something to say....God I miss that.

Ford sucks too!

Ford is in trouble too. Let's find three things wrong with them while we're at it. I'll throw in pictures this time to paint a more precise picture. Here's why Ford's in trouble:

1. Ford Flex.

I can imagine the Ford execs all meeting together when this piece of garbage's drawings were introduced.

Designer: "Here is it!"
Execs: "Oh my god! This is....it's....it's....well, what the fuck is it?"
And then the designer freaked out because they themselves didn't know what they birthed, so they bullshitted.
Designer: "It's...well, okay, take the Scion xB:"

Designer: "Would you not all agree that Toyota has successfully penetrated the youth market with this astounding car?"
Execs: "But of course."
Desginer: "Well, let's Ford-i-size it! We'll increase its size, because the xB isn't big enough. It doesn't have limo-like seating in the back already, come with a subwoofer if you want it, have plenty of space behind the hatch for luggage all while being fun and getting 35 mpg highway."
Execs: "Yeah, it does."
Designer: *sweat* Oh, well, this is better based on philospher Hammond's principle of "more is, well, more." We'll make this thing bigger. It'll get about 10 full mpg less than the xB. We're trying to penetrate the 18-34 year old male market here, and who doesn't love driving six of his drunk friends a ride on a Friday night?"
Execs: "So it seats seven. So it's a van."
Designer: "Yes, well, no, it's...well, it won't come with anything cool like a subwoofer...and it...well...
Execs: "Jenkins, you're brilliant. Now get naked and dance around."

I only say this last line because this is what Ford designers must be doing instead of making good cars.
What in the world was Ford thinking when they designed this? They wanted it to look young, sort of night-sceney, so they made it boxy, just because that's the trend. But they did it so wrong! Look at the front grille! How can you make a car look young when you give it similar styling cues as, well, other Fords which are just driven by republicans who are really hardcore at being elderly. You can't call a car young until it stops looking like grandpa:

2. The Ex SUVs: Ford Explorer, Ford Expedition, and Ford Excursion.

The Explorer is, as the Simpsons says about the Canyonero (*note: fictional vehicle), "Two lanes wide of American Pride:"

I posted an older Explorer because this is what you generally see on the road: big, old, thirsty, washed up Explorers. Suffice it to say, they suck, and also, there's a one letter difference between "Explorer" and "Exploder," if that hints at their reliability.  But it gets worse!
Ford Expedition:

Oh my god, it's even bigger! And even worse. Now we're getting into pure horseshit territory when it comes to gas mileage. It's like Ford sets out to make the biggest, most fuel-consuming cars on the road! Why the fuck would you need this over an Explorer? And it gets even worse:
Ford Excursion:

Ford doesn't make this anymore. And thank god for that. This thing gets a grand total of about 7-9 mpg on highway, depending on your driving habits. It seats eight and there's room for luggage. The only excuses to buy one of these is if you're very rich (to pay for the gas) and/or you're very Catholic (have six children and a spouse). Otherwise, this is an astonishingly pointless car. I've heard all the worst about this thing. It's loud, unrefined, handles like a washed-up Elvis impersonator (yeah, that's ambiguous, you can imagine anything you want), and fits nowhere in America. Of all places!
It's worth noting that the Ford Excursion, when it was being made, was considered the largest non-commercial vehicle produced in America. And that might as well be the rest of the world, because where else, in what other country has giant SUVs littering their suburbs?

3. Ford includes Mercury and Lincoln, so: Ford Fusion, Mercury MIlan, Lincoln MKZ (known for one year as the Zephyr, but when Ford decided they wanted brand recognition, they changed it in a haste to resemble the Mark series), Ford Edge and Lincoln MKX.

Why have I named five cars? What must they have in common? Well, two very important things. Firsly, they are all of Mazda design.
Keep in mind that these are incredibly popular cars. Mazda isn't a big company themselves, but when you think about how many designs they sell through Ford, through the guise of American nameplate, oh my god, Mazda must be doing very well financially. Which is probably why Ford is doing so poorly, they're paying Mazda for their designs for all their best cars!

Second, and more importantly, none of these cars are made in the US. It's either Canada or Mexico. So all of these cars were designed by foreigners and built by foreigners. How in the world does Ford get away with having the reputation of being the most American of all the "American" car companies?? It makes me sick just thinking about it.

There're so many more problems with Ford than the three red flags I just named, it's no wonder why Ford is losing just as much as GM. Remember kids: Buy American. Get a Honda.

edit: Please feel free to read comments that others have posted on this article, I like that people comment on it, sometimes they bring up good points! hehe